In my last post, I talked about “answering the “herald’s call” and the unexpected turn that doing so caused me to take in my journey. It resulted in an almost complete about face for me. Hearing that call, sitting with it’s message, and finally harkening to it’s words has been both scary and exhilarating. The longer I sit with that call and that inner voice deep within, the more assured I become that I AM on the right path, that I AM divinely guided and inspired and most importantly that I AM loved and cherished.
I have realized over the course of the past couple of week’s, that the voice of the herald is neither unfamiliar, nor surprising. I have heard its gentle call for many years now and dismissed it, hushed it, or buried it beneath contrived business and multitasking. I cannot do it any longer. That quiet gentle voice has become a shout! “Do it now!” “Stop hiding, making excuses, keeping yourself genuinely (or artificially) busy and do that one thing you have known for years you were born to do! Step out of the shadows and into the light of who you truly are.”
But sometimes, the shadows feel like such a safe place. I can remain invisible when I choose, and peek out when I choose. And when I am really feeling brave, I can step out into the light. Even writing those words feels somehow less than honest, and inauthentic. People have always said that I have such a “big” personality, that I have “such a presence” And that is likely true from their vantage point, because that’s what I made a conscious effort to show them. Truth be told, I have been in hiding for a very long time. Hiding behind the brave, extroverted mask I created and have worn for far too long. For such a long time it felt safe, comfortable, and necessary. It fit like a glove. Now, it chafes and itches and has become almost intolerable. It no longer fits as it once did and I feel the choice I must make now is either to fashion a new one that fits better, or discard it and stand bare-faced and exposed before the world. I choose the latter. I feel grateful for the inner courage and fortitude to make that choice.
So what is this “one thing” that I have felt a call to do for so very long? I will lay my soul bare and I will tell you. It is to write. Books, and articles, and blogs, and scores of private journals. I have known for a very long time that my story is far from ordinary, and in many ways, quite remarkable. But it isn’t about telling my story for the sake of the telling. It’s about the hope and rising from despair, it’s about the evolution from victimization to victorious, empowered womanhood. It’s about healing with love and help from others, and it’s about enduring many, many dark nights of the soul when I was sure I was alone and abandoned in the world yet somehow rising to greet yet another day. Though admittedly, sometimes pissed as hell that I actually awoke to see another sunrise.
I have been granted many more sunrises since those dark days, and for the most part, I’ve been grateful for each one. I now find myself at this place in my life now…no longer content or even able to hide, but still somewhat afraid, of being exposed, of not being “good enough” to do what I feel so driven and compelled to do. I have come to realize, it isn’t about whether anyone enjoys, embraces, accepts, or approves of what I do or say; what matters is that I do it, for the sake of satisfying and answering the herald’s call of my own soul.
I have committed to having my first book finished and published before the end of 2020. There. I’ve said it. I’ve publically thrown down the gauntlet for myself, and for all the world to see. I’d be honored to have you along for the ride to see the unfoldment and birthing of this “stepping out of the shadows and into the light” as it were.
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